You Can Wear Whatever You Want, But…

I will judge you poorly if you wear one of these things. What am I talking about? Talking about this here:

I noticed these abominations are a trend among the “motorcyclists” riding around in the neighborhood where I live. It’s not the best neighborhood, but it’s not the worst either, and yeah based on peoples’ driving ’round these parts and their affection for these helmet covers, their judgement is questionable at best, objectionable at worst.

I definitely object.

And yeah, I put “motorcyclists” in quotes here because I’m judgemental when it comes to motorcycle stuff, it is my job and life’s passion after all, and I’m not sure if these people are actual motorcyclists or just clowns who want attention and decided a motorcycle is a good way to get it. I’ve always thought those “helmet mohawks” were bad, and stupid, but this is like 3 helmet mohawks got together and made a baby with ambiguous parentage. I have questions about this accessory.

How does it feel at speed?

Does it move around at all?

How’s operating your helmet visor working out for you?

What kind of helmet is under that thing? Did it cost more than $79.99? Is it even DOT rated, to say anything of ECE or SNELL? I’m just saying, the helmet I wear on the street costs $1000, was handmade by Japanese craftsmen, SNELL-rated, and has a sick paint job I’m not about to cover up with a piece of fabric cobbled together by children toiling away in the developing world. For anyone who actually rides motorcycles and cares about them, I don’t have to tell you what brand it is because you already know. I have another one by the same company that’s too old to wear that sits on a shelf and looks pretty. I have a whole other helmet for the racing, and that one ran me about $400 and didn’t even come with any paint on it.

I’ve always thought wearing a sick helmet and showing it off is a part of being a motorcyclist.

Wearing one of these covers is a good way to let people know you lack good judgement and desperately want attention. Riding a motorcycle does that all on its own; there’s really no need to drive the point home for people.

If you rock one of these, why not add a pair of MSCHF boots to your riding ensemble? They look like the perfect riding boots to go with your fuzzy helmet panties!

If the folks wearing these are concerned about being seen, TBH I’m not actually sure what they’re concerned about because I wouldn’t talk to them, why not opt for some hi-vis gear like the old fart ADV guys use? That said, for anyone who has been riding for longer than 3 weeks, it’s pretty obvious drivers wouldn’t see us even if we were painted in hot pink neon and literally had an actual alien riding pillion with us. Cut the BS and ride like you’re invisible. Because that’s what you are and no amount of gear in the world is going to help the person slapping the shit out of their 6-year-old in the back seat with their right hand and checking their FB messages in their left hand while they steer with their belly to see you better.

Lastly, I’m going to cut you some slack if you’re wearing one of these. These are jokes, and bad jokes at that, because I’m not that funny. If I was I’d be a comedian, but I’m just a motorcycle mechanic who thinks he can write sometimes. You’re obviously a new rider, and that’s totally cool. We need more of you! Congrats on the new bike homie! Now cut the BS, save up and get yourself a helmet you’re proud to show off, learn how to ride wheelies in traffic 😉 and stop turning yourself into an internet-addled fashion victim on your hot new motosickle.